All in my mind

Today I am tired, I have had too many days with my mind being randomly overactive during sleep time. Too many days with not enough quality sleep and not enough sleep.

I’m angry and not angry. I’m tetchy and good humoured. I’m focused and unfocused. I’m stressed.

Why?

Because I’m fixated and she’s not there 😂 right now I feel like her sole purpose in life is designed to create and maximise my suffering.

It’s working 👀

All executed perfectly, because she’s absolutely oblivious to most of it 👉😂👈

I swear, we are not the most ideal of friends for one another. We are so very different, in so many ways.

I just want to go to sleep 😱 she’s away 💀 she doesn’t read messages when she’s away. My sleep routine involves sending messages to her, WhatsApp stickers (mainly) and saying goodnight. It doesn’t work when the person ain’t reading or replying 🙈

I could write essays on this and the topic of why my neurodivergent mind and self is not ideal as a friend to hers. I’ve probably investigated every angle of it possible to consider.

Anyhow, this is why I’m increasingly losing the plot. I’m spending large chunks of time in the day drafting messages in my mind telling her “we really really should not be friends”. Convincing myself to find another way of sleeping peacefully. Telling myself that this ridiculous suffering in response to everything she does or doesn’t do, is really unnecessary.

I can’t help it… I fixate.

I just want to go to sleep, stay asleep, sleep soundly 😂🙏 that’s all, it’s so simple. I curl up in my mind like a little dragon and feel safe and loved. For whatever reason this random situation is a magic sleep solution.

I don’t want to let it go 👀

By the way, this process is mostly just me not talking – it’s just her message inbox that I open on my phone and ‘hide’ in, so I can stop doing things for a bit before I switch off my phone and lay down. And…. she doesn’t even know at the time because she’s at work!!! and what exactly I am hiding from is also unclear 👀😂

I’m autistic 😂 sometimes little patterns of routines become stuck… I’m tormented. I want to never speak to her again, and find a new way of sleeping!

By the way 👀🙈😂 it isn’t as though she’s completely out of contact. She plays the same game, she’s in the discussion group, we have a group chat also, with other friends, and she shared holiday photos there to us all.

I grumbled about holidays, said thank you for the pretty pictures and that I accept them as a gift, then declared I had already ran away and was sulky 🙈 then I wrote a mini essay to myself about the “realisation that my stress is based on a total lack of understanding or insight into just about everything she does”, and I only wrote that so I could quiet myself and stop being annoying.

I am a child 😂😂😂

I just wanna sleep and it’s really hard work being “adult” and reasonable.

Also, I genuinely care and I don’t want to ruin her holiday, by complaining because my routine is changed for a week.

Also, the habit I have of being brutally honest can be an issue 😂 so the effort of not saying things, makes me implode until I explode.

Meanwhile, the consequence of this is I’m being more direct and assertive in some situations – and generally more unstable in nearly every other.

I just wanna sleep 🙏😂🙏😂🙏

I just want this situation to end 🙏👀🙏👀🙏

It is torture and I do mean that – it is – but I guess I see the funny side too. Because really, it’s all in my mind and in how it feels.

I am so stressed and angry, because I am really struggling to cope. The voices in my mind are relentless in the commentary during my day. I really do my best to avoid giving them material to torment me with.

But with this I am powerless, because let’s face it, if you had a magic sleep solution where you could say a couple of sentences, wish someone good night and send happy stickers – and that’s all you need to do – and you sleep blissfully, peacefully, and in comfort, wouldn’t you want to keep that too?

Yes… I’ve written essays in my mind on the inner commentary to that too….. 🙄