Unity Discord

In the silence

It’s strange how there can be an overall atmosphere – even when people aren’t talking. It can extend beyond our place and pervade between places more broadly.

Things happen and it all contributes to the entire feel of the server. Weaving itself in and out of each room and message box.

Sometimes a lot happens or a key event, and there is a knock on effect.

A Poem by Unity

You think I can’t hear you? In the silence, over there? You think I don’t hear you, when you cry in despair?

You think I can’t hear you if you judge, scoff or sneer? Trust me I hear you, you are loud & clear.

I can hear you when you’re sad, restless, busy or calm. I can hear when you don’t care, or when life does you harm.

& even in silence when no words are said. Believe me, I hear you in the space in my head

I hear the frustration, the boredom, the rage, I hear all your sorrow, the struggles for real

So remember my dear one, in this big old wide space, that your anguish & fears all belong in this place.

I hear you in the silence, and the noise, and the words. That somewhere my darling your voice is still heard.

Somewhere in this world, as we fly round the sun, I hear you, I hear you, & I see you’re someone.

Remember, remember, your voice will be heard, & even in silence I can still hear your words.

So listen, now, listen, as I say this to you. You’re someone worth hearing & I’m thankful for you

Rockin, Rollin, Riding

One of the things about gaming life when you’re running an organisation with almost 100 people, all of whom are strangers in many ways… and many of whom never say anything….

Is that the whole thing has such an organic nature. There is a vibe to the place always, and always there is something needing to be done.

There are so many people that could do these things – or contribute to them – yet, I frequently find myself in the position of being the safety net or needing one.

People come, and people go, and the feelings of the place go up and down, in and out, like breath, like the sea…

Sometimes we’re riding high on the waves and it feels wonderful, it feels like the best place on earth. And then you get that frozen moment at the very top of the peak, one chance to look around and see the whole world, and then down, down, down you go.

It isn’t just about storms or big crashing waves, sometimes one of the more dangerous things is when things fall flat. That’s when people get bored or they drift away or they feel like nobody hears or sees them.

Like I said, the whole thing is a living breathing organism. As leader of it, quite a lot of the time you are running it either blindly or according to your rule. Neither of which approaches appeals to me as a hard and fast complete method.

My health challenges require that I be adaptable to the current situation, in my life and self. I think this helps to some extent too, with the game, with people. In lots of ways, being flexible sometimes and rigid at others. Being open to changing course in one moment, and letting go of things, knowing when to adhere to some things and not lose meaning or value in other things.

It’s difficult because people are unpredictable, they have their own lives, their own things going on, their own feelings on things. And they all have so vastly varied opinions and beliefs, they live all around the world and many never speak at all.

Certain personalities always shine through and in amongst them some quiet voices also. As well as the loud 😂

Down in the trough I am tired I am low, is it me that they mirror, or me they follow? Is it all in my mind, all the vibes and the feel? Is this point underwater even here, even real?

I dunno.

Maybe it’s coincidence and maybe it’s interconnected. But then that means we each can influence one another, and create our reality as we wish. If it’s all in our heads, let’s make it a good story.

That’s me over and out 😎

Living in an upside down world

I’m screaming again, it’s been too many times this week. I’m exhausted.

This time someone set an alarm (alert reminder) in a page on the discord server I’m subscribed to as part of an online gaming community.

I attempted a conversation about it and I realised from the beginning “I’m doomed before I begin”.

I’m not just being negative – I promise 🙏😂

How to explain how these tiny little things distress me so much… when they make no sense at all to hardly anyone who hasn’t experienced it or known someone who does.

Why? Because I live in a world where my perception of everything, is either so extreme or so mild – that everything is an issue, constantly, always.

And, there is no escape 👀

I was looking forward to some activities and a nice healthy meal. Instead, I spent two hours coping with an anxiety attack, some nerve twitching in my eyebrow, racing heart, I lost my entire plan of the day, my meal, the activities I was going to do, and as if the experience isn’t traumatic enough….

I have to then endure social judgement and an interrogation, because my nervous system and perception makes me respond this way 💀

The thing is…. I understand why I’m tedious or people roll their eyes, don’t understand, find things hard to believe.

Trust me 🙏 I don’t want to spend this time coping. I’m not trying to be awkward. I really would rather not feel like this.

The dilemma is that the importance of my experience is top of my list of priorities. I don’t want to be traumatised having extreme anxiety attacks over tiny things.

Makes sense right?

Wrong.

Because when I discuss something like this with someone, who genuinely isn’t setting out to create issues for me. They are just trying to get on with their life, make their life more streamlined and easier. So at best I am an interruption 😊

Meanwhile for me, it is very difficult to get things across clearly while having an anxiety attack… However, I feel I have to opt for that choice, because I need to address it in order to cope and so I try to do that.

It occurs to me then, how my experience really isn’t on most people’s radar. In my mind I’m thinking – I need to solve this, I need to not feel like this, the alarm reaction is so violent – I have to, and can, find a solution. I don’t want to feel like this every night at this time. It’s in a page I need to keep the alerts on for (just don’t ask, seriously, don’t ask), I just can’t cope with it.

In their mind… I come across as difficult, inconvenient, ridiculous or tedious, some people think my reactions are tantrums or controlling behaviours. They think many things and I am aware of that.

So now I’m explaining why I am how I am and what I am going through, while going through it and it’s just like damn….

Is this for real?

Life with hidden disabilities sucks. Firstly because most of the time they are invisible. Secondly, when things do become visible there’s another social layer of problems to handle as well as the original ones!!!. Many other reasons but I’ll stay on topic for now 😂

Somehow for them the information – that I am experiencing what I am experiencing, gets lost.

It ceases to register that the level of reaction for me is as severe and extreme, as a situation that is severe and extreme for them. Key difference?

For me I get to experience this with every day things!!! Yay!!!! I am special!!!!!

Yeah right… 🙄

Unfortunately, communication is required, and so I find myself having two conversations because of what happened. While trying to cope, and it genuinely feels like the expectation and work is too much sometimes.

Somewhere in all this it’s forgotten that I am a human, with feelings, and I’m in extreme distress. I feel acutely aware, if I was presented with this from someone else, sympathy and reassurance would be on the top of my priority list. What I get is an interrogation on what I’m going through, and why, finalising it with incredulity.

We don’t all experience things the same way.

Conversation one, relaying all this and requesting a solution to the admin.

Conversation two, with my full time volunteer friend/carer, who also doesn’t grasp why it’s an issue.

By this point I don’t even want to know any more what anyone thinks. I don’t want to educate you while I’m having an intense physical, and emotional response to something I find traumatic.

I muted the server….

I just want to find solutions and feel better 🙏😂🙏😂🙏 find ways to resolve it, pick up the pieces of my day before more things cascade into it – because whether anyone believes me or not or understands what I’m going through – it is completely beside the point.

End solution I muted the channel. Conclude lengthy conversation number two with the carer. Accept the loss of things that were important to me in my day. Find a way to move on. Time loss to this point? 3 hours.

Also, I was unable to do anything I was going to do during those 3 hours.

Aaaaaaand I’m not in a position yet where I can either:

• Pick up from where I left off
• Continue from this point without addressing basic care needs

Total time loss TBC

Estimate: 11 hours to finish my day

I have been awake for 9 hours….

It feels upside down to me that one person has a traumatic experience and the response from the other parties is an interest in whether we schedule a better time for it, and to essentially remove that person as an issue on their radar, in order that their own schedule is more convenient.

Take home / advice…. I guess mainly to cast a little light on the fact that not everyone experiences things the same way.

If someone comes to you and says they are finding something really traumatic or distressing, and they’re having an anxiety attack, or anything else that is distressing them, acknowledge and listen carefully to that part first.

If you really cannot spare the time at that moment, assure them you will at a set time, and keep to your word (ideally as soon as possible – as being empathetic, doesn’t needlessly extend someone’s trauma) 🙏😎

See if there is a reasonable adjustment can be made, and remember that not everyone can show their distress in ways that are typical or conventional.

And finally, if you care about the person or are interested, maybe ask them more about their experience at another time when they are calmer. Be aware though, that mentioning the experience could trigger them again.

Patience, kindness and curiosity can go a long way 🙏😊💙

Stay safe world travellers, safe travels