Different realities
In the game I am fairly able, fluid and capable. There are some issues – but mainly I’d say I present as a well-functioning person.
In reality…. Well to be honest, reality would take me years to convey.
But how about we try a little experiment?
Make yourself a drink to sit down with. Before you sit down though, switch on the vacuum cleaner in the same room you are sitting in. The tv needs to be turned onto a channel you don’t like, with a programme you hate. It needs to be loud enough to clearly hear it over the noise of the vacuum cleaner. Switch on some music somewhere too, that also needs to be clearly audible. Turn the lights up full and add some more if you can.
Ideally, have a friend or loved one come into the room and speak to you at ten minute intervals.
Place a heavy blanket or some towels on yourself, and wear clothing that is uncomfortable. Wear some gloves or some shoes you don’t like and a tight hat.
Do as much as you possibly can to make the environment as distressing and terrible as you can, in a non-harmful way to your safety and well-being.
Also, ensure no items are anywhere in reach apart from that drink.
Now…. Get yourself seated uncomfortably with your drink…
For the next hour you cannot move your body at all – without conscious attention and thought. You need to pay attention to everything constantly.
You cannot have a conversation with someone. No picking up a phone or putting on a movie.
It’s just you now, stuck here and nobody is gonna come help you.
Your clothes and the blankets weigh heavy and they hurt, the noises in the room assault you. All sound is now painful and aggravating and you feel tense and in pain.
The light is hurting your eyes, it bounces from some surfaces and creates shadows on others. This dances on the edges of your perception like special effects in a horror movie.
You are hungry, uncomfortable and in pain.
You can’t move.
There is no solve to this. You have to stay absolutely still, unless you focus completely on moving that one tiny bit of your body. And when you do move it, you are still not comfortable because of the sensation of everything else.
It’s been a couple of minutes now…. You see an item across the room you might like to interact with. Something to distract from this. A book or a game or the tv remote. You cannot reach it and you cannot move. Because for now you don’t know how to do that – and you also don’t know how to interact with that object.
You spend some time looking at it….
The understanding of other things is still working normally in your mind. You’re aware this is boring or frustrating and the sounds in the room are aggravating.
Something in your body hurts, but you cannot identify it at present. The sensation of everything else collides in your perception.
It’s been a few minutes and vaguely you think “I should have used the toilet before I started this”.
Your mind starts looking for a way out.
There isn’t one.
55 minutes to go.
Now, the thing with this is, it isn’t a challenge to see if you can endure one hour of this. There is no success at the end of this hour. Part of this experiment is to understand that this is your life now.
Forever.
Nobody can come and comfort you, nobody is gonna come save you from this. Anything you do from now on there is gonna be a consequence.
You do not know that consequence.
You cannot escape or leave.
Ten minutes
Someone walks into the room and starts asking you things. The words play in your mind because they either cascade down like tumbling dice or they scroll across like a song lyric video – but you can only see three words at once.
You look blankly at the other person, it’s difficult to even hear them. They say some more things and then they exit the room.
You become aware they could have helped you but you didn’t ask. They were so focused on what they wanted, they didn’t notice your experience at all. You realise they will return and try to think of one thing, just one that might help.
You’re feeling anxious and stressed, it’s too hot and you need to change that because it’s making you feel unwell.
You spend the next five minutes selecting one thing to make this better. You can now change that one element – as long as it is something you can reach without moving your body much.
Remember, you are still stuck here and you cannot move anything freely, without a lot of focus and constant attention.
This right here is your life now.
Forever and ever…
Twenty minutes….. the person returns to the room. They’re clearly asking for something important. You still cannot hear them, and they get worried or angry or they’re laughing because they are excited and want to share something with you.
You cannot relate or connect with that, because you are focused on needing help – you try and explain how you feel, but they are unaware of the noises, the lights, the uncomfortable position your body is in, the pain or your needs.
They leave again – you just missed the chance of help.
At this point I genuinely think there is no need to continue this experiment. Because really the point is that that is just sitting for twenty minutes with the stuff you imagined, it would create discomfort and pain and be unpleasant.
The real leap of imagination is to now apply this to everything always. Imagine life like this permanently. You can walk, you can speak, you know how to do various things.
But that ability is impaired, unreliable, restricted by pain and disabilities, health conditions etc. you can’t wake by yourself, sleep by yourself, bathe by yourself.
You look normal.
People see you have done things and expect you to be able to always do them.
You cannot.
Many hours of the day now are spent trying to just survive through the basics.
Communication has little relief for you, people don’t understand your language.
Activities or interests are another series of gauntlets to run, and you cannot engage in anything without help.
It is infinite chaos, and you have the intelligence and awareness to understand exactly what you’re going through, yet not have the tools or ability to be able to make it ok.
Additionally there are voices in your mind, saying things constantly, and sometimes you forget or have no awareness of who you are.
Emotionally the impact of this is disturbing and disruptive perpetually.
And your mind also now has open access to full HD graphic videos – with surround sound to every single traumatic memory you have.
It also feels like you have dementia, because you are aware that you can do things – and yet you have no knowledge how to – even though you did something yesterday and you remember that.
It genuinely is exhausting….
…………………….
Additionally 👀 I’m agoraphobic, have an eating disorder (ARFID), IBS, neuropathic pain that restricts my hands functioning reliably, underactive thyroid and other deficiencies, a mood disorder and potentially a personality disorder too….. as well as the sensory processing problems and issues with balance and motor skills.
I can talk, think, walk, move and I understand or know how to do a lot of things. I just don’t have the options available all the time to be able to to that. It takes a lot of energy, focus and concentration to do almost everything.
The real annoyance is once in a while I get a “good day” and I can do something easily 😊 I enjoy those windows of time. But they also highlight what it might be like to live another life.
Not this life.
Trying to plan something is like playing the game, Kerplunk, or building houses of playing cards – one tiny thing happens then the whole structure falls apart.
As well as that my autistic profile includes ADHD and PDA.
Not to mention life experiences and personal experiences regarding my “self” or identity, that complicate everything also….
If you got this far, perhaps there is some understanding about why I enjoy the freedom in the game.
It’s like having a direct link to the me that exists outside of this body and physical experiences.
In the game I am free.
It makes me smile and laugh and cry and I share so many positive things with people there.
In the game I have a purpose and I am the leader of our group. I make the decisions for us all, I take care of us all as best I can. We work together and they look out for me too.
There are some real angels out there in the world as well – who genuinely have cared for me and helped me in situations with other people, where I have struggled.
People in the game have warned me not to live my life in the game. I understand them. But honestly, it’s not the game that’s addictive.
It’s the freedom.